Manager Pitfalls: The Unintentional Therapist
Disclaimer: I am not a therapist. If you are struggling with stress, you should speak to a professional. You can self-refer for therapy through the NHS on NHS Talking Therapies.
Several years ago I wrote a post about the emotional responsibilities of a manager. The arguments I made then still stand:
- People often don’t realise how much their own stresses and worries are bothering them
- People often need the root causes of their own stresses to be teased out by a 3rd party
- Most of the time, there are relatively simple solutions to our big stresses once they’ve been analysed and dissected
You can do a huge amount for your team - and your colleagues - just by being present: there to be a listening ear and - when they’re ready - ask the questions that allow them to turn a looming stress into easily digestible chunks to be addressed. Not to mention the fact that it feels great when you help someone; it’s one of the big reasons why most of us became managers in the first place.
However.
It turns out this is slightly naïve. What I didn’t understand all those years ago is that it’s very, very hard to listen to someone’s stress without taking some of it on yourself.
Psychology, Therapy, and Counselling are Trained Occupations. Providing emotional support takes emotional energy. Energy that’s worth spending, but it’s important that you take steps to maintain your own mental health. If you start taking everyone’s mental load, then you won’t have the headspace yourself to figure out the important questions to ask in order to help people kick themselves out of a rut.
Rules of Manager Therapy
For me, it boils down to this:
Rule 1: Listen
Always listen first. Feeling heard is always helpful when you’re stressed.
Rule 2: Find out what they need
They might just need to vent, and already have it in hand. Offering advice in this situation can come across as condescending, or feel like you haven’t been listening (which negates the Rule 1: Listen). When the initial vent has run out of steam, ask them what they need: help solving the problem, or just a space to vent?
Rule 3: Set your boundaries
This is how you stop it becoming too much of a strain on yourself. The key here is to find a path through the conversation that ends in a good next step while adopting as little of their stress as you can. You are here to help them help themselves, not sacrifice your own sanity on the alter of Servant Leadership.
How you navigate this bit depends on the type of stress they’ve come to you with:
Work (your reports): If you manage them, this is your responsibility, but be careful about falling into the Servant Leadership trap of making things easier for them by making it hard for yourself. There are few things that contribute more to stressing someone out than having a stressed manager. When we’re stressed, they feel it. No matter how well you think you’re hiding it. Listen, help them vent, and get to the bottom of the problem. Then help them make a plan. Taking work off their plate onto yours is a last resort.
Work (peers): If you don’t manage them, it’s both easier and harder, particularly if the problem is their manager. You don’t have the full context and you can very easily throw someone under a bus if you don’t think about what you’re saying. Again, listen; Encourage them to talk to their manager. Offer to help them construct the feedback if it’s their manager that’s the problem. As with the above, don’t commit to something you don’t have the headspace to follow through on.
Personal life: Do not try and be their Therapist. People being willing to talk to you about their personal life is a valuable flag that they trust you, but you are not trained to do this job (probably), and you can do more harm than good if you get it wrong, and it will cost you a lot of your own mental health and energy depending on the nature of the issue.
The best thing to do here is strongly encourage them to seek help from a professional. Help them within the context of their work - do they need time off, do they need to be avoiding stressful presentations or spending less time in meetings for a few days so that they can focus - but don’t even think about trying to advise them on how to deal with the external stress, other than to seek help if appropriate.
Don’t cut them off mid-flow; if they need to get it out then it’s best out, but for serious things - death, serious illness, being a victim of crime - try and steer the conversation towards talking to someone else as soon as possible.
Note: If they are confessing to a crime, then do cut them off mid-flow. This is not your problem! You do not have a Client Confidentiality obligation, and should inform the police.
Rule 4: Consider Therapy
Not a joke! Over the course of a working year, if you’re someone that people feel comfortable venting to you will pick up a lot of little worries along the way, no matter how good you are at emotionally distancing yourself.
Take time to reflect on your own stress levels regularly - at least once a year. If you find that you’re feeling a lot more stressed than you should be, the answer might be in the emotional support you’ve lent to other people in the year.
Rather than making it your manager’s problem, consider talking to a therapist; unlike me, they are trained in helping people with their stresses, and should be able to offer you support.